Survivor Mummy Style
by pharoahofdenile
Summary: It's like Survivor, but with a mummy twist. VERY stupid, read it anyway. THE LAST CHAPTER IS UP! READ IT!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I own nothing.  
  
Survivor: Mummy Style  
  
A group of people stands outside a golden pyramid. They are looking confused and nervous. Jeff Probst Walks towards them.  
  
Jeff: Hi, and welcome to Survivor. The object of the game is to not be voted off by your team members. Any questions so far?  
  
Alex: Yeah, I got a question. Didn't this pyramid sink into the sand?  
  
Jeff: Uh................ Maybe. But that's not important. What is important is that you survive the harsh conditions and be the last person standing. Ok, now I'm gonna put you into teams. Rick, Anck-sunamun, Jonathon, Izzy, Red, Spivey, and Jacques are on team Yallah. Team Nimshi is made up of Evy, Alex, Imhotep, the Scorpion King, and Ardeth.  
  
Anck-sunamun: Hey! I want to be on Imhotep's team!  
  
Ardeth: I cannot be on the same team as the creature!  
  
Rick: I wanna be on Evy's team!  
  
Jeff: Alright, shut up! I'll change the teams. Camp Yallah is now Rick, Evy, Alex, Izzy, Ardeth, Jonathon, and Jacques. Camp Nimshi is Imhotep, Anck-sunamun, the Curator, the Scorpion King, Red, Spivey, and Lock-nah. Happy now?  
  
Rick: Uh................ Sure.  
  
Jeff: ok, Camp Nimshi is located over there near that clear pool of fresh water. Camp Yallah is over there by that mud puddle. Alright, go set up camp. Oh, and try not to kill each other so soon.  
  
Later that day  
  
Team Yallah is discouraged. They discovered that Jeff wasn't kidding when he said `mud puddle'.  
  
But Team Nimshi is celebrating. They are delighted that they got good, clean water, while their enemies had to drink mud.  
  
Imhotep: This is better than I expected! I figured I could kill O'Connell during one of the challenges. Now I can sit back and watch him die of thirst!  
  
Red: Hey, when did you learn to speak English?  
  
Imhotep: It's my second language.  
  
Red: Then how come you wasted all that time in the first two movies talking in ancient Egyptian when they would have understood you better if you had just spoken English?  
  
Imhotep: Uhhhhhh................. DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Imhotep lifts Red up with his power and throws him headfirst into a wall.  
  
Back in Camp Yallah  
  
Alex: I'm bored. I'm hot. I wanna go home. I'm thirsty. I'm hungry. I'm still hot. And bored. And don't forget, hot. Can we go home now?  
  
Ardeth: I have only been around that kid for a few hours, and I already want to perform the Hom-Dai on him.  
  
Izzy: If that kid doesn't shut up, I might have to shoot him in the ass.  
  
Jacques: This place is cursed. 


	2. Day Two

Day Two  
  
Team Yallah is determined to win the reward challenge, because it is 50 gallons of fresh water. If they won, they would have enough water to last until the merge.  
  
Later that day  
  
The two teams head toward the entrance of the golden pyramid, where Jeff is waiting. Behind Jeff, they could see an obstacle course. It consisted of a pit, falling rocks, hurdles, and two mini-pyramids about eight feet tall. At the top of each pyramid, there was a cage.  
  
Jeff: As you can see, your challenge is this obstacle course. You must choose one member from each team to run the course. Notice that at the end of the course, on top of the pyramids, there are two cages. Inside the cages, there are pygmies. The first team to set their pygmy free wins. Simple enough?  
  
Rick: Could you repeat that?  
  
Jeff: (sigh) Just run the damn obstacle course and let the short guy out of the cage.  
  
The two teams pick the person who will run. Team Yallah chose Ardeth. Team Nimshi chose Spivey.  
  
The two people took their place at the starting line.  
  
Jeff: Survivors ready? GO!  
  
Ardeth and Spivey sprint towards the first obstacle, the pit. Ardeth jumps over it, but Spivey barely makes it to the other side and has to pull himself up. Spivey catches up to Ardeth in the falling rocks, where Ardeth has stopped because a pebble fell on his foot.  
  
Ardeth: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My foot! Ow, it's broken. Owwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Evy (From the sidelines): Get going, you sandy bastard!  
  
By this time, Spivey has made it halfway through the hurdles. Ardeth tries to catch up, but Spivey is climbing up the mini-pyramid when Ardeth is halfway through the hurdles. Spivey makes it to the top and opens the cage, where the pygmy promptly kills him.  
  
Scorpion King: Kasheesh asyria nai.  
  
Rick: What the hell does that mean.  
  
Imhotep: It means `In yo face!'  
  
Evy: Don't you care that one of your teammates is dead?  
  
The Curator: Spivey? Hell no! 


	3. Day Three

Day Three  
  
Team Yallah is depressed. They lost their chance at winning fresh water.  
  
Evy: This is all your fault, Ardeth.  
  
Ardeth: MY fault?  
  
Evy: Yes, your fault. `Ow, My toe, I got hit by a pebble and now I'm gonna die.' You are such a baby.  
  
Ardeth: But if I had opened the cage, I would have got killed by the pygmy.  
  
Izzy: You wouldn't be missed.  
  
Meanwhile, at camp Nimshi  
  
Because team Nimshi won the tank of water, they were using their pond of water to have a pool party.  
  
Lock-nah: CANNONBALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
The Curator walks out in a Speedo.  
  
Imhotep: Ugh! I think this party is over. 


	4. Days Four and Five

Day Four  
  
Tomorrow is the immunity challenge. The teams are worried about losing the challenge and having to vote someone off. In camp Yallah, rumors are flying.  
  
Alex: I think that, as the only kid on the show, I might be the one voted off. I think that 'curse guy', Jacques or whatever, is getting especially pissed off at me.  
  
Evy: I think that Rick might vote me off. He has always been jealous that I'm the smart one.  
  
Rick: I think that Evy might vote me off. She has always been jealous that I'm the smart one.  
  
Rumors are spreading at camp Nimshi too.  
  
Anck-sunamun: So then Nefertiri was all, 'No way, I'm the cute one', and I'm all 'Nope, I look WAY hotter than you', and then she's like, 'you're an ugly hag', so I kicked her ass.  
  
Lock-nah: You're lying. That never happened. It's just a stupid rumor.  
  
Anck-sunamun: It is not.  
  
Lock-nah: It is too.  
  
Things were looking grim for both camps. Camp Nimshi was too wrapped up in stupid gossip to notice anything else.  
  
If we lose, I'm going to vote off Lock-nah. Nobody insults my girl.  
  
Camp Yallah was thirsty and miserable.  
  
Alex: I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty, I'M THIRSTY!  
  
Izzy: SHUT UP!  
  
Jacques: This place is cursed.  
  
Izzy: You can shut up too.  
  
Day Five: Day of the Immunity Challenge  
  
Teams Yallah and Nimshi both head to the entrance of the golden pyramid, where Jeff is standing.  
  
Jeff: The first immunity challenge is a battle of taste and endurance. What you see before you is a camel that has been dead for two months. You have to eat it. The last person still eating wins. Any questions?  
  
Evy: How sanitary is this?  
  
Jeff: Not very. Survivors ready? GO!  
  
The two teams dive towards the camel and starts eating. Evy, Jonathon, the Curator, Jacques, Izzy, and the Scorpion King start puking after one bite. Anck-sunamun, Imhotep, Ardeth, and Rick manage to hold their hurl until three bites. Only Lock-nah and Alex remain. Lock-nah was taking his 16th bite when he was overcome with  
  
Nausea. Alex took his last bite and stood up with a grin plastered on his face.  
  
Jeff: Team Yallah wins! Team Nimshi, I'll see you at tribal council.  
  
Rick: Wow, Alex, that was amazing! How did you do that?  
  
Alex (shrugs): Well, it wasn't that different from mum's cooking.  
  
Evy: WHAT!!!!!!!!!????????????  
  
Later that night, at Tribal Council  
  
Jeff: Ok, walk up to the camera, write down who you want to be voted out, hold it up to the camera, and then drop it in the basket. You go first, Curator.  
  
The Curator: I vote for the Scorpion King. I'm not too worried about being voted off, because I know they look up to me.  
  
Imhotep: I vote for the Curator.  
  
Anck-sunamun: the Curator.  
  
Lock-nah: Curator.  
  
Scorpion King: Granush. (Subtitles: Curator)  
  
Jeff: Ok, I'll tally the votes. (Starts counting) Ok, it looks like the curator is voted off, so grab your torch and get the hell out of here. 


	5. Day Six

Day Six  
  
Team Nimshi is outnumbered. They only have four people left. Team Yallah still has all seven of their people. The two teams are getting ready for their second reward challenge.  
  
Later that day  
  
The two teams meet Jeff at the entrance of the pyramid. Jeff points to a table that has a covered basket on it.  
  
Jeff: This reward challenge is for food.  
  
Imhotep: It's about time. We haven't eaten in six days.  
  
Jeff: To win this food, you will have to wrestle each other in this pool of Lard.  
  
You will spin this wheel to see who you will have to wrestle. Simple enough? Good. Since team Yallah has three more members than team Nimshi, three of team Yallah's players will sit out.  
  
Jacques, Jonathon, and Izzy immediately volunteer.  
  
Jeff: Ok, now that the teams are even, we flip a coin to see which team spins the wheel first.  
  
Team Nimshi calls heads. It lands on tails.  
  
Jeff: Team Yallah spins first.  
  
Evy spins the wheel. It lands on Anck-sunamun.  
  
Evy: Shit.  
  
Anck-sunamun: Bring it on!  
  
Evy and Anck-sunamun take their positions in the pool of Lard.  
  
Jeff: When I blow the whistle, fight! (Blows whistle)  
  
Evy runs towards Anck-sunamun, but slips and falls face-first into the lard. Evy gets up and Anck-sunamun runs towards her, but Evy steps out of the way and sticks out her foot, tripping Anck-sunamun. Anck-sunamun goes flying, and Evy cheers.  
  
Anck-sunamun: You won't defeat me so easily bitch!  
  
Anck-sunamun grabs Evy by the ankles and drags her down, pinning her.  
  
Jeff: A point to team Nimshi. Next person spin the wheel.  
  
Alex spins the wheel. It lands on Imhotep.  
  
Imhotep: Haha! I shall destroy you!  
  
Alex and Imhotep walk into the pool of Lard. Jeff blows whistle.  
  
Imhotep pushes Alex, who falls into the lard. Moving fast, Alex slides over to Imhotep and sinks his teeth into his ankle.  
  
Imhotep (Dancing around, shaking his leg with Alex clinging to it): AHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Imhotep finally collapses.  
  
Jeff: One point to team Yallah. The score is tied.  
  
Ardeth spins the wheel. It lands on Lock-nah.  
  
Ardeth: Didn't I already kill you?  
  
Jeff blows the whistle  
  
Lock-nah punches Ardeth in the nose and Ardeth falls.  
  
Jeff: Well, that was fast. The score is now two to three.  
  
Rick spins the wheel and it lands on the Scorpion King.  
  
Jeff blows whistle.  
  
Scorpion King runs towards Rick. Rick stands there. Scorpion King is getting closer. Rick still hasn't moved. Scorpion King has almost reached Rick.  
  
Evy: MOVE, STUPID!  
  
Rick: Oh, yeah. (Steps out of the way. Scorpion King smashes into wall.)  
  
Jeff: The score is tied, which means we will go into sudden death. Alex and Imhotep will wrestle again, and whoever wins that wins the food.  
  
Imhotep: There is no way I'm going to wrestle the imp of Satan again.  
  
Jeff: Ok, so I guess team Yallah wins.  
  
Team Yallah celebrates, until they discover that all the food Jeff gave them (cheese, vegetables, and fruit) all spoils fast in the desert. 


	6. Day Seven

Day Seven  
  
The teams are very hungry. Team Yallah only has moldy food to eat. Team Nimshi has no food.  
  
Team Nimshi  
  
Imhotep: I think we should eat the Scorpion King. He's the biggest.  
  
Anck-sunamun: Ewwww! I don't wanna eat a bug!  
  
Scorpion King: Jeetah Laboosh!  
  
Lock-nah: What does that mean?  
  
Imhotep: It means `Let's eat the bitchy woman.'  
  
The two teams are anxiously awaiting the immunity challenge. Team Yallah is worried.  
  
Evy: If the Immunity Challenge requires thought, we're doomed. Rick is on our team.  
  
The two teams go to the pyramid, where Jeff is waiting for them.  
  
Jeff: Hi! For today's challenge, you will hear a story. You will have to remember because afterwards you will be asked questions about it. Easy enough?  
  
Rick: Uhhhhhhhh...  
  
Jeff: Good. Here's the story. These two people dug up an ancient bracelet with the powers to show the way to a lost oasis. Their son puts it on and is kidnapped by a walking mummy, who wants to...  
  
Alex: Hey, this is our story!  
  
Jeff: Oh, then you should already know it. Everybody get ready to answer questions. Alex, you first. What year was it?  
  
Alex: The year of the Scorpion.  
  
Jeff: Correct. Imhotep, where were you resurrected?  
  
Imhotep: The British Museum.  
  
Jeff continues to ask questions. No one misses one. There is only one person left: Rick.  
  
Evy: Oh, no.  
  
Jeff: Ok Rick, if you miss this question, your team loses. Ready?  
  
Rick: Uhhhhhhhhh...  
  
Jeff: Good. The question is: Who put on the Bracelet of Anubis?  
  
Rick: Uhhhhhhh... I know this.  
  
Alex starts waving his hand in the air.  
  
Rick: Ok, it wasn't Imhotep, it wasn't the Cutator...  
  
Alex is now jumping up and down.  
  
Rick: And it wasn't Ardeth... Oh, I know! It was Evy!  
  
Evy: YOU MORON!  
  
Jeff: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. Team Yallah, I'll see you at tribal council.  
  
Later that night  
  
Team Yallah makes their way to tribal council.  
  
Jeff: Ok, I'm gonna explain this slowly, because some of you aren't too bright (Looks at Rick). You walk up to that camera, write down the person's name, and drop it in the basket. Izzy, you go first.  
  
Izzy: I vote for O'Connell. He is the stupidest bastard I've ever seen.  
  
Ardeth: I vote for Alex. That kid is starting to freak me out.  
  
Alex: I want Ardeth to go. I don't think he likes me.  
  
Jonathon: Ardeth. I just don't like him.  
  
Evy: I vote for Izzy. He's really creepy.  
  
Rick: Evy. I know she's plotting against me.  
  
Jacques: Jonathon.  
  
Ok, with two votes, Ardeth, you have to leave. Grab your torch and go away. 


	7. Day Eight

Day Eight  
  
The two teams get a day to rest before their next challenge. Two more people must be eliminated before the merge.  
  
Team Nimshi  
  
Imhotep: I would kill for a sandwich.  
  
Lock-nah starts dumping sand on Anck-sunamun.  
  
Anck-sunamun: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!???  
  
Lock-nah: Duh! Here's the sand. You're a witch. Sand-witch. Get it?  
  
Anck-sunamun: Very funny.  
  
Scorpion King: Yartesh Greeba.  
  
Imhotep (translating): I thought so.  
  
Team Yallah  
  
Rick emerges from the oasis looking triumphant.  
  
Evy: Did you catch anything to eat?  
  
Rick: Yep! (Holds out three dead rats)  
  
Later that day  
  
Team Yallah is sitting around a fire, cooking rat.  
  
Alex: What does rat taste like?  
  
Rick: Beats me.  
  
Izzy, who has been dozing, falls into fire.  
  
Izzy (Running around in circles): AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! MY ASS IS ON FIRE! MY ASS IS ON FIRE!  
  
Izzy runs into Jacques, setting him on fire too.  
  
Jacques: I TOLD YOU THIS PLACE WAS CURSED!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jacques and Izzy start rolling around in the sand, trying to extinguish the flames. Jeff walks up.  
  
Jeff: Don't worry, I've brought medical help (holds up first aid kit).  
  
Izzy: HURRY UP, YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!  
  
Two guys show up carrying stretchers. They carry both men away.  
  
That evening  
  
Jeff: Izzy and Jacques won't be coming back. They both suffered severe burns. Since we now have eight people, you will be merging tomorrow. You are to bring nothing with you. Tomorrow, you will meet me inside the pyramid, where I will show you your new camp. 


	8. Day Nine

Day Nine- The Merge  
  
The two teams are walking to the entrance of the golden pyramid, where Jeff is standing.   
  
Jeff: Hi, survivors. As you know, today is the merge. Your new campsite is inside the pyramid, right next to the bottomless pit. Your camp's new name-  
  
Alex: Hey, don't we get to make up our own name?  
  
Jeff: No. Your camp's new name is-  
  
Alex: That's not fair. I want to make up a name for our tribe.  
  
Jeff: Well, you can't. As I was saying, your camp's new name is-  
  
Alex: But...  
  
Jeff: SHUT UP!!! You don't get to name your tribe! Just forget about it and let me talk! Your camp's new name is-  
  
Rick: Hey, don't yell at my kid!  
  
Imhotep: Shut up, he can yell at your brat if he wants to!  
  
Evy: Brat?!  
  
Anck-sunamun: You heard him, you b-  
  
Jeff: SHUT UP!!! Everyone just shut up! All I want is to tell you your new camp's name, so just listen until you can go to your camp and kill each other there!  
  
Alex: Jeez, don't spaz.  
  
Jeff: Grrrrr. I might have to kill this kid. Anyway, your camp's new name is Diffen-dal. Now go set up your camp so I don't have to look at you anymore. Oh, and remember, you have a reward challenge this afternoon.  
  
Alex: Why so soon?  
  
Jeff: Because. Now shut up and go away.  
  
The survivors set up their camp and get ready to leave for the reward challenge. They walk to the entrance of the pyramid, where Jeff is waiting for them.  
  
Jeff: Today, you will run through a series of obstacles. The obstacles are pits of fire, mud, and stampeding camels. You must cross all the obstacles, and when you reach the end, you must ring a bell suspended over a pool of crocodiles. Ready?  
  
Evy: Not really...  
  
Jeff: Good, GO!  
  
The survivors start running. All of them make it over the pit except for the Scorpion King, who is burned to a crisp. The remaining survivors start to cross the mud. Rick is going so fast that he slips and splatters mud all over everyone... including Jeff.  
  
Jeff: AHHHHH!!!!!!! MY HAIR!!! MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!! MUD, IN MY BEAUTIFUL HAIR!!!!!!!! CALL MY HAIRDRESSER, CALL MY HAIRDRESSER!!!!  
  
Jeff runs off, crying.  
  
Meanwhile, everyone has crossed the mud, but Imhotep is way ahead of the other. They are coming up on the stampeding camels. Imhotep tries to run through the stampede, and is trampled by about 36 camels before crawling out. Rick tries jumping on the back of a camel, and is carried 50 feet before falling off. Evy rides up on a bicycle. She puts Alex in the basket attached to the handlebars. The theme song to E.T. starts playing. The bike floats off the ground and over the camel stampede. They land safely on the other side.  
  
Alex: Whoa, mum, where did you learn to do that?  
  
Evy: I've seen E.T. about a million times. Steven Spielberg is a genius.  
  
Alex: Oh, Okay.   
  
They both start running towards the pool with crocodiles in it. On a rope above the pool is a bell. Alex jumps towards the rope, but Evy grabs his ankle and throws him to the ground. Evy jumps on the rope and climbs to the top, where she rings the bell.  
  
A skinny white guy walks towards Evy.   
  
Skinny white guy: Hi, I'm Jeff's brother, Lester. I'm taking over for him while he gets his hair clean. Your reward is a hot meal cooked by the pygmies!  
  
Evy: Oh boy. 


	9. Day Nine (Continued) and ten

Day Nine (Continued)  
  
Evy won the reward challenge, a hot meal with the pygmies. When she left, the others scraped the Scorpion King out of the fire pit. Seeing as they had no food, they ate him.  
  
Rick: You know, for a giant bug, he doesn't taste so bad.  
  
Alex: Yeah, he's pretty good.  
  
Meanwhile, in the pygmies' camp  
  
Evy isn't enjoying her meal very much. The pygmies served their favorite dishes: human flesh.  
  
Evy: Uhhh, I think I'll pass.  
  
Pygmy #1: Yallah Kabool!  
  
Evy: I can't understand you.  
  
Pygmy #2: He said, 'If you don't eat our food, we'll be greatly offended. We might eat you.'  
  
Evy: Do I have to eat this?  
  
Pygmy #1: Yussef gabool trinkata lumerte greeyabo hadrik killipor signif nocha gleepa redet jakaz gowatz lipote veronga halor conarte patooie!  
  
Pygmy #2 (translating): Yes.  
  
Evy returns to camp around 11:00, looking a little green.  
  
Rick: Enjoy your meal?  
  
Evy: Urgh  
  
Rick: Here, have some scorpion king.  
  
Evy: Some WHAT??!!  
  
Later that night  
  
Camp Diffen-dal went to bed around 1:00 a.m. Alex lay down next to the bottomless pit and fell asleep. In the middle of the night, Alex has a bad dream, rolls over, and falls into the pit.  
  
Alex: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Evy: What's that yelling?  
  
Rick: Nothing, shut up and go to sleep.  
  
Day Ten  
  
The camp discovers that Alex fell into the bottomless pit. No one is too upset, except for Evy.  
  
Evy: Oh, my poor widdle boy!  
  
Everyone else is ok about Alex falling into the pit, because they didn't like him too much. Lester shows up around noon.  
  
Lester: Now that another team member is gone we won't have to go to tribal council.  
  
Imhotep: When is Jeff coming back?  
  
Lester: As soon as he can get his emergency hair surgery. That mud messed up his hair really bad. Anyway, you will have another reward challenge today. Meet me outside in 15 minutes.  
  
15 minutes later…  
  
Lester: For this reward challenge, you must shoot a bow and arrow. Whoever's arrow hits closest to the bulls eye wins.  
  
Jonathon: That's it?  
  
Lester: Yep  
  
Jonathon: Boring  
  
Lester: Oh yeah, the reward is money.  
  
Jonathon: MONEY???!!!  
  
Lester: Yep, GO!  
  
Anck-sunamun misses the target completely. Evy barely makes it on to the target. Rick got his arrow two circles from the bull's eye. Imhotep split Rick's arrow in two. Lock-nah shot his arrow one circle from the bull's eye. Then Jonathon stepped up to take the bow. He pulled back the string, shot, and… HITS THE BULL'S EYE!  
  
Jonathon: I WON! I WON! I WON! MONEY MONEY MONEY, CASH CASH CASH!  
  
Lester: Congratulation, Jonathon. Unfortunately, we had to give the money to a worthy cause.  
  
Jonathon: WHAT???!!! WHAT WORTHY CAUSE???!!!  
  
Lester: Jeff. For his emergency hair surgery.  
  
Jonathon is so mad that he has a stroke and dies. 


	10. Day eleven

Day Eleven  
  
The survivors bury Jonathon and forget about him.  
  
Evy: Wanna go put flowers on Jonathon's grave?  
  
Rick: Who?  
  
Evy: That dude who was obsessed with cash.  
  
Rick: Oh, him. No, he was a jerk.  
  
Lester comes to the survivors' camp at noon.  
  
Lester: I've got bad news and worse news.  
  
Imhotep: What's the bad news?  
  
Lester: You have to go to your next immunity challenge now.  
  
Imhoterp: That doesn't sound too bad. What's the worse news?  
  
Lester: Jeff is coming back.  
  
Evy, Rick, Imhotep, Anck-sunamun, Lock-nah: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Jeff: Hi survivors! As you can see, I got my emergency hair surgery, thanks to Jonathon!  
  
Rick: Who?  
  
Jeff: Anyway, I'm going to be hosting the show again, so say goodbye to Lester!  
  
All: bye  
  
Jeff: Now for the immunity challenge! This challenge is a test of endurance. Here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna stuff half-starved pygmies into your pants and see how long you can take the pain. The person who lasts the longest wins.  
  
Imhotep: I don't wear pants.  
  
Anck-sunamun: Me neither.  
  
Jeff: We've provided these lovely pink sweat pants for both of you.  
  
Imhotep: Great.  
  
Jeff: At the count of three, the pygmies will be stuffed down your pants. One. two. THREE!  
  
The pygmies are shoved into the pants. They are mad, so they start attacking. Anck-sunamun immediately rips her pants off. Two minutes later, Evy gives up too. Two hours later, Imhotep drops out. Now only Rick and Lock-nah are remaining. Finally, five hours later, Lock-nah gives up.  
  
Jeff: Rick wins!  
  
Rick: Hooray!  
  
Evy: Doesn't that hurt?  
  
Rick: Doesn't what hurt?  
  
Jeff: I'll see you all tonight at tribal council.  
  
Later that night  
  
The camp meets in the pyramid for tribal council.  
  
Jeff: I'm gonna bring in the jury of people you have voted out. So far, the only people besides you who aren't dead are Ardeth and the Curator.  
  
Ardeth & Curator: Hi.  
  
Jeff: Ok, now it's time to vote. Evy, you go first.  
  
Evy: Anck-sunamun  
  
Anck-sunamun: Evy  
  
Imhotep: Rick  
  
Rick: Anck-sunamun  
  
Jeff: Anck-sunamun, the tribe has spoken. Grab your torch and go away. 


	11. Day Twelve

Day Twelve  
  
Jeff comes to camp early the next morning.  
  
Jeff: I've got good news! We want to reward you for coming so far. So we've put together a little surprise for you! Follow me!  
  
The survivors follow Jeff to the back of the pyramid. There's a curtain hanging up so the survivors won't see what's behind it.  
  
Jeff: Your surprise is right behind this curtain. We've let your families come and visit!  
  
All: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Rick: Wait a minute. I grew up in an orphanage. I don't have any family besides Evy!  
  
Jeff: Rick, we have a special surprise for you. We brought a nun from your orphanage, Sister Mary Kathryn! *  
  
Rick: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Jeff pulls back the curtain, revealing 2 old women, a nun, and 3 teenage girls.  
  
Jeff: Lock-nah, we brought your mother, (points to one old lady) and Imhotep, we resurrected your mother (points to other old lady). And Evy, here are 3 of your cousins! (points to the three girls).  
  
Evy: Oh, no.  
  
Lock-nah and Imhotep look really embarrassed.  
  
The nun walks over to Rick.  
  
Nun: Hello, Richard. How have you been?  
  
Rick: I've told you a million times sister, the name is Rick!  
  
Nun: You should be proud of your name, Richard.  
  
Rick: God dammit, it's Rick!  
  
The nun produces a metal ruler and hits Rick on the head.  
  
Nun: Don't swear Richard!  
  
Rick: Oooowww! Dammit! That hurt so damn bad!  
  
The nun hits him 2 more times.  
  
Rick: God dammit!  
  
The nun smacks him with the ruler again.  
  
Nun: Don't take the Lord's name in vain, Richard!  
  
Rick: IT'S RICK!  
  
Meanwhile, Evy is talking with her 3 cousins, Rebecca**, Amy, and Rosaline.  
  
Rebecca: So, where's your adorable little boy?  
  
Evy bursts into tears.  
  
Evy: Oh, my poor little boy!  
  
Amy: Uhhhh. Evy? You ok?  
  
Evy: WAAAH!  
  
Rosaline: Guess not. Rick?  
  
Rick runs over from the nun, who is preaching about the 10 commandments and hitting Rick with the ruler.  
  
Rick: Yeah?  
  
Rebecca: Where's Alex?  
  
Amy: We asked Evy, but she seems to be in a state of distress.  
  
Evy: WAAAAH!  
  
Rick: Uhhh. I think he fell down a hole. Lemme check on that. (turns to Evy) Evy? Where's Alex?  
  
Evy: WAAAH!  
  
Rick: Yeah, he fell down a hole.  
  
The cousins sidle up to Rick, fluttering their eyelashes.  
  
Rebecca: Oh, you must be so sad!  
  
Rosaline: We are soooo sorry! We didn't know!  
  
Amy: Is there anything we can do to make you feel better? (winks)  
  
Rick: (looks bewildered) Uhhh. A bourbon might be nice.  
  
The cousins look frustrated.  
  
Meanwhile, Imhotep is being lectured by his newly resurrected mother.  
  
Imhotep's mom: What have I told you about unwrapping yourself in public, young man?  
  
Imhotep: But mooooom! I'm 3,000 years old! Stop treating me like a child!  
  
Imhotep's mom: Grown man or not, you are still my son. Now, what was that business 3,000 years ago with that painted Anck-sunamun hoochie?  
  
Imhotep: Mooom! She's not a hoochie, she's my girlfriend! How come whenever I start dating someone, you take an instant dislike to them?  
  
Imhotep's mom: I don't want to see you get hurt. Remember how that Nefertiri girl broke your heart?  
  
Imhotep: Mooom, I am sooo over her. That's why I hooked up with Anck- sunamun.  
  
Imhotep's mom: That's what got you cursed in the first place! We never had any trouble like this from your brother Nominhotep!  
  
Imhotep: Mooom! Nominhotep was a lowly scribe who lived at home until he was 50!  
  
Imhotep's mom: Well, we never had any girl trouble with him!  
  
Imhotep: Mooom, that's because he never had a date in his life!  
  
Imhotep's mom: Oh, we shouldn't fight like this! (holds open her arms) C'mon Immy, give your old, resurrected mama a hug!  
  
Imhotep: But mooom-  
  
Imhotep's mom: C'mon.  
  
Imhotep: Mom, I-  
  
Imhotep's mom: NOW! I got resurrected just to come see your sorry ass, now GIVE YOUR MOTHER A HUG!  
  
Imhotep: ALL RIGHT!  
  
Meanwhile, Lock-nah and his mother are having a decent conversation.  
  
Lock-nah's mom: So, how have you been, my son?  
  
Lock-nah: Pretty good, mother.  
  
Lock-nah's mom: Come now and give your mother a hug.  
  
Lock-nah: Yes, mother.  
  
They hug. Lock-nah's mom retreats from the hug with a strange look on her face.  
  
Lock-nah's mom: Lock-nah, is that a knife I see hanging from your belt?  
  
Lock-nah: It's a swor-  
  
Lock-nah's mom: IS IT?  
  
Lock-nah: Yes.  
  
Lock-nah's mom: What have I told you about playing with sharp objects?  
  
Lock-nah: But mother, it's part of my job!  
  
Lock-nah's mom: I don't care! You can kill yourself with one of those things! And what's this I hear about you kidnapping that poor innocent little boy?  
  
Lock-nah: He called me gay!  
  
Lock-nah's mom: I saw the movie, and he did no such thing!  
  
Lock-nah: He suggested that I would look upon him while he was urinating!  
  
Lock-nah's mom: Awwww, Lock-nah. I'm sure he didn't mean it. Besides, I know you're secretly in love with that Evelyn O'Connell character.  
  
Lock-nah: But mom, you've already arranged my marriage!  
  
Meanwhile, Rick has managed to control Evy's hysteria. Her cousins are off in a corner, pointing at Rick and giggling. Sister Mary Kathryn begins to walk over to Rick and Evy, ruler in hand.  
  
Rick: Oh, crap, here comes the Penguin- I mean, hello sister.  
  
Nun: Richard, I demand that you introduce me to this young woman immediately.  
  
Rick Dammit, it's Rick! (nun smacks him) Ow! All right! This is my wife, Evelyn.  
  
Evy: (Sniffling) How do you do?  
  
Nun: Pleasure to meet you Evelyn. (checks watch) Oh dear! Please excuse me, but it's 11:00 and I must go pray!  
  
Rick: (sarcastically) We'll miss you.  
  
The nun gives him a few more smacks and leaves.  
  
Jeff walks up.  
  
Jeff: Even though you're having a great time with your families-  
  
Evy: Yeah, right.  
  
Rosaline: I'm having a GREAT time! (looks at Rick)  
  
Jeff: It's time to begin the next reward challenge. You will each start at the bottom of the pyramid. The first one to climb to the top wins a night away from camp at a luxurious patch of nice, soft grass. Don't worry, we've cleared the place of pygmies.  
  
Rebecca: I'm sure you'll win, Rick.  
  
Evy glares at her.  
  
Jeff: Survivors Ready?  
  
Imhotep's mom: Good luck, Immy!  
  
Imhotep: Mooom! Don't call me that!  
  
Jeff: GO!  
  
Rick, Evy, and Lock-nah start climbing the pyramid with surprising speed. Imhotep, encumbered by his loincloth, stumbles after them. About halfway up, Imhotep catches up to Evy. Imhotep's mom, recognizing her as Nefertiri, yells out.  
  
Imhotep's Mom: Don't let your love life interfere with this!  
  
Imhotep turns around and shouts to his mom.  
  
Imhotep: Mooom! I'm fine!  
  
Evy takes this opportunity to kick him in the face. Yelling in pain, Imhotep grabs her ankle and falls down the pyramid, hitting each stone with a thump. After a few painful seconds, Imhotep lands on the sand, and Evy falls on him.  
  
Imhotep: OOF!  
  
Evy: Oh, thank you! I last I found something useful about you!  
  
Imhotep's mom runs up, concerned.  
  
Imhotep's mom: Immy, are you alright, honey?  
  
Meanwhile, ¾ of the way up the pyramid, Rick is just ahead of Lock-nah. He climbs the rest of the way, reaching the top first. Lock-nah, a few moments behind him, in his haste, accidentally runs into Rick's back, pitching him over the side.  
  
As soon as Rick lands, he finds himself surrounded by Evy's 3 cousins.  
  
Rebecca: Oh, are you hurt?  
  
Rick: Nah, I'm ok.  
  
Amy: Oh, you're so strong to be able to climb the pyramid and fall all the way back down without being hurt!  
  
Jeff: Congratulations, Rick! Walk into the jungle for about 10 minutes and you should come to your patch of grass. There's a pizza waiting for you.  
  
Rick: All right! See ya!  
  
Rosaline: We'll miss you! (Flutters eyelashes)  
  
Jeff: The rest of you go back to camp. You get 1 night with your families.  
  
Imhotep: Great.  
  
Evy: My bum hurts.  
  
The rest of the tribe goes back to camp with their families. They stay up late into the night talking, except for sister Mary Kathryn, who insists on going to bed at sundown. Around midnight, Evy notices that her cousins have disappeared.  
  
Evy: Oh,no. He wouldn't. Would he?  
  
At that point, Imhotep's mom walks up to Evy.  
  
Imhotep's mom: Imhotep likes you.  
  
Imhotep: Mooom! She sent me to the underworld!  
  
The next morning, Rick returns to camp, the cousins following him.  
  
Evy: Richard O'Connell! What the hell happened last night?  
  
Rick: Well, I was enjoying my pizza when your cousins ran up to my patch of grass. They said they were lost and scared of the pygmies and needed someone big and strong to protect them.  
  
Evy: You moron! They cleared out all the pygmies!  
  
Rick: Oh yeah. Maybe they didn't know that.  
  
Evy: Well, then what happened?  
  
Rick: They said they wanted to ask me something, but I fell asleep before they could ask.  
  
Evy: That's it?  
  
Rick: Yep.  
  
Later that day  
  
Jeff: Ok, survivors, say goodbye to your families!  
  
All: Bye.  
  
Amy: Wait! There's 1 more thing I have to do before I leave.  
  
Amy walks up to Rick and kisses him.  
  
Rick: Whoa.  
  
Evy: Why you jumped up slut of a cousin!!!  
  
Evy punches Amy, Rebecca, and Rosaline in the nose.  
  
Nun: Well, that was uncalled for. Richard, why did you marry such a violent woman?  
  
Rick: IT'S RICK!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
*I borrowed the name Mary Kathryn from my sister. She's always complaining that she's got a nun's name, so I made her a nun. **Rebecca is my friend's name. She really wanted to be in the story, so I made her a slutty cousin.  
  
A/N: My friend Rebecca helped me write this chapter (but all the good ideas are mine!) 


	12. Day Thirteen

Day Thirteen  
  
Imhotep, Evy, Rick, and Lock-nah are the only ones left. They are still trying to recover from their disastrous visits with their families. Evy has been very cold towards Rick since her cousins left and refuses to speak to him.  
  
Rick: C'mon, Evy, please forgive me! I'll...I'll...I'll hold my breath until you speak to me!  
  
Rick starts holding his breath. Evy gives him a disgusted look.  
  
Jeff walks up.  
  
Jeff: Hi, survivors! I have some good news! You... what's wrong with him? (points at Rick, who is turning purple)  
  
Lock-nah: a little marital dispute, I believe.  
  
Jeff: Uhh...ok. Hey, does anyone wanna bet on how long he can stay that way?  
  
Imhotep: I bet 2 minutes!  
  
Lock-nah: a minute and 34 seconds!  
  
Evy: What was your good news?  
  
Jeff: My what? Oh, yeah, the news. You all have an immunity challenge, right now!  
  
Imhotep: And this is good news because...?  
  
Lock-nah: I do believe that Rick has fainted.  
  
Later that day  
  
Jeff leads the survivors into the desert, Rick pouting, Evy remaining aloof towards Rick. They stop in front of four small pillars about five feet tall.  
  
Jeff: for this immunity challenge, you must each climb on a pillar and raise your arm above your head. If you lower your arm or fall off your pillar, you lose. Are you all ready?  
  
The survivors climb onto their pillars and raise their hands.  
  
Jeff: The time starts...now. Don't lower your arms. I'll just be over here, sitting in the shade, drinking martinis and watching you suffer in the blazing heat. Enjoy the challenge!  
  
Lock-nah: How I wish I could kill him.  
  
The noonday sun beats down on the survivors. They stand there in silence. If they stand there more than a couple of hours, they will get sunstroke.   
  
Evy: My, this is tiring.  
  
Imhotep: and boring.  
  
Rick: hey, I know a way to pass the time! I'll list all the cards in my pokemon deck! I've got Pikachu and Squirtle and Bulbasaur and Charizard and...  
  
Lock-nah: if the gods are merciful, they will kill me now.  
  
An hour later...  
  
Rick: and Meowth and Jigglypuff and Onix and...  
  
Evy: ENOUGH! NO MORE OF THE DAMN POKEMON CARDS! I JUST CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!  
  
Rick: Evy! You're talking to me! You're talking to me! I knew you'd forgive me!  
  
Evy: I don't forgive you, you dolt!  
  
Rick: Give me a hug!  
  
Evy: No!  
  
Rick tries to hug Evy, but instead knocks her off balance. She falls sideways and right into Lock-Nah's sweaty armpit.  
  
Rick: So that's it, is it? You were going behind my back with Lock-nah, huh?  
  
Evy: what are you talking about?  
  
Lock-nah: Huh?  
  
Rick: Well, here's what I think of that!  
  
Rick jumps off his pillar, draws his gun, and shoots Lock-nah.  
  
Jeff (from a safe distance): ok, ok, that's enough. Since Evy fell off and Rick jumped off and Lock-nah is now dead, Imhotep wins.  
  
Imhotep: Ha ha ha, you fools!  
  
Jeff: I'll see you all...except for Lock-nah...at tribal council tonight.  
  
Later that night...  
  
The survivors head to tribal council.  
  
Jeff: Welcome to tribal council! Tonight one of you will be voted off! You all know the drill, so get to it! Oh, and don't forget, Imhotep has immunity!  
  
One-by-one, they go up and vote for who they want kicked off.  
  
Imhotep: I vote for Evy.  
  
Evy: I vote for Rick.  
  
Rick: Evy.  
  
Jeff: it appears that Evy, you are the weakest link. Goodbye.  
  
Evy: What the hell?  
  
Jeff: Just trying new material.  
  
Evy: I think that's copyright infringement.  
  
Jeff: Oh, well then, go away. Is that better.  
  
Evy: Yeah, that's better. 


	13. Day Fourteen

Day Fourteen  
  
This is it! The two remaining survivors have survived the harsh conditions of the desert for fourteen days! Tonight, the jury of past survivors will vote for who will win the whole game! But until then, the remaining survivors stay in their camp, talking, sharing stories, and just reminiscing of their wonderful experience in the Sahara desert.  
  
Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder why the sun lightens people's hair but darkens their skin?  
  
Imhotep: as a bald man, I don't really care about the sun's effect on my hair.  
  
Rick: What hair?  
  
Imhotep: Yes, exactly.  
  
Rick: Huh?  
  
Imhotep: You see, you asked why the sun would lighten hair but darken skin, and I was merely explaining...  
  
Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder why you never hear about psychics winning the lottery?  
  
Imhotep: Well, I never really thought about it, but I guess that...  
  
Rick: Hey did you ever wonder why a dog hates it if you blow in his face, but they stick their heads out of windows in the car.  
  
Imhotep: Who cares?  
  
Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder...  
  
Imhotep: Enough! Holy Hamunaptra, you are the single most annoying, brainless, stupid man I have ever encountered in all my 3,000 years!  
  
Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder...  
  
Imhotep: AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!  
  
Later that night...  
  
Jeff: Hey guys, congrats on making it this far! Now it's time for the last tribal council!  
  
Imhotep: Finally!  
  
Rick: Hey, did you ever wonder...  
  
Imhotep: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Jeff leads the last two survivors to tribal council. A jury of past survivors are sitting on benches on the opposite side. At the beginning of Survivor, there were fourteen members. Now only six people are still alive. The jury is made up of Ardeth, the Curator, Evy, and Anck-sunamun. Jeff tells Rick and Imhotep to sit on benches on the other side.  
  
Jeff: Hello everyone! Welcome back, jury members! Before we vote, I'm going to let Rick and Imhotep each ask ONE jury member ONE question. Imhotep, you go first.  
  
Imhotep: Ok, my question is for... ummm...Anck-sunamun!  
  
Jeff: Ok, what's the question?  
  
Imhotep: Ok. Anck-sunamun, I really enjoyed being your teammate... and boyfriend. I think that we made a really good team and together we could have ruled the world!...or at least this game show. Now I know this might not be the best time, but... I think we should see other people. What do you think?  
  
Anck-sunamun: WHAT??!!!  
  
Rick: Hey, he stole my question!  
  
Evy: WHAT??!!!  
  
Rick: Ummm, I mean... I love you?  
  
Jeff: Anck-sunamun what is your answer?  
  
Anck-sunamun (crying): How could you do this to me? I've given you everything! And now you want to just break it off with me? (Sobs uncontrollably)  
  
Jeff: Rick, it's your turn. Who are you going to ask your question to?  
  
Rick: Uhhh...Evy!  
  
Jeff: Ok, and what is your question?  
  
Rick: Ok, Evy, this is a really important question. I've been thinking about this for days and days. I will never be able to concentrate on anything until I know the truth.  
  
Evy: And?  
  
Rick: Where did I put the remote control?  
  
Evy: What kind of a question is that? Oh, by the way, check your back pocket.  
  
Rick looks in his back pocket and, sure enough, the elusive remote control is there.  
  
Rick: YESSSSSS!!!  
  
Evy: Idiot.  
  
Jeff: well, now we'll let the jury vote. Today, instead of writing down who you want to boot off, you write down who you want to win. Ardeth, you go first.  
  
Ardeth: I want the creature to win. I see now the error of my ways. The creature is not a source of evil; he is just a misunderstood product of ancient Egypt, trying to find his way in our modern world.  
  
Rick: Uhhh...  
  
Evy: WHAT?!  
  
Ardeth: I have been taking counseling. My counselor has taught me to control my built up anger of the so-called-creature, which is clearly a figment of my imagination representing a troubled childhood.  
  
All: ...  
  
Jeff: Next!  
  
The Curator: I vote for Imhotep, my master! Even though you did let me DIE at the end of the movie!  
  
Imhotep: My bad.  
  
Jeff: Ok, now you, Evy.  
  
Evy: I vote for Rick. He may be stu... I mean, he might not be the brightest fellow, but he's my husband and I love him.  
  
All: Awwwww!  
  
Jeff: Next!  
  
Anck-sunamun: I vote for... Rick!  
  
Imhotep: WHAT??!!  
  
Anck-sunamun: No one breaks up with Anck-sunamun!  
  
Jeff: Well, it appears that we have a tie, and in the event of a tie...  
  
Imhotep: Geez, I am so SICK of your voice!  
  
Jeff: Excuse me?  
  
Imhotep: Day in and day out, it's always "survivor this" and "immunity challenge that"! I don't know how much longer I can take it!  
  
Rick: just shut up so we can see who wins.  
  
The Curator: Nobody wins, it's a tie!  
  
Evy: No, stupid, we gotta have a tie breaker!  
  
Rick: no, we gotta see who wins!  
  
Imhotep: That's what a tie breaker is, stupid!  
  
Rick: You want a piece of me?  
  
Imhotep: Bring it on!  
  
The Curator: I'll defend you master!  
  
Evy: You stay out of this, you weasel!  
  
Anck-sunamun: Hey, step off, bitch!  
  
Rick: Hey, you can't talk to my wife like that, you skank!  
  
Imhotep: Hey, you can't talk to my girl that way, you dumbass!  
  
Anck-sunamun: Ex-girl, you dummy!  
  
Ardeth: People, people, let us all channel our anger into...  
  
All: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Ardeth: Oh, that's it!  
  
A huge fight breaks out. Jeff stands back, astounded. Rick is fighting Imhotep. Evy is fighting Anck-sunamun. Ardeth is fighting the curator (who is getting his ass kicked). Finally, the three little fights merge into one big fight. Everyone starts using weapons instead of their hands. Pretty soon, the fighting stops. Jeff walks over to find that they had all killed each other in the fight.  
  
Jeff: Great, now who am I gonna give the prize money to?  
  
Jeff suddenly hears a voice.  
  
Voice: Hello? Hello? Where is everyone?  
  
Jeff: I know that voice. Oh no, it's... it's...  
  
Alex: Hello Jeff! Where's mum and dad?  
  
Jeff: NOOOO!!! I mean, I thought you fell into the bottomless pit.  
  
Alex: I did, but obviously it was built by some very lazy workmen. It stops just short of being bottomless. It took me awhile, but I finally climbed out.  
  
Jeff: Well... I guess no one saw that coming. Alex, I guess you win!  
  
Alex: Do I really! Bloody good! I can finally afford my own pet elephant!  
  
Jeff: Well, um, sure. Well viewers, that about wraps it up for survivor. Thanks for watching (reading?). join us next time for... SURVIVOR.  
  
A/N: Well, that's it. I'm finally done. This story took more than a year to write! Woo-hoo! Yay! Seriously, I don't see what readers find appealing in these stories. I don't really think they're that funny, but my faithful readers do, so I guess that's pretty good.  
  
**IMPORTANT! READ THIS!**  
  
I'm thinking of doing a second survivor, this time having the cast from the FIRST and SECOND movies. If you think this is a good idea, TELL ME IN A REVIEW! 


End file.
